Tuesday, 13 January 2015

A Dysfunctional Childhood

My apologies to the holier than thou and over religious pansies, if at any point you feel a tingling in between your legs then yes I have achieved my aim and yes you have broken all the commandments in the bible and hell awaits thee! lol . Alcohol is good; I mean the devil’s drink is one strong mind impairing mixture. It opens the veins and allows the worries subside for a while. If only one can just make love to a bottle of good whiskey, wouldn’t that be way better than the guilt you feel after sleeping with a girl you don’t like but have to satisfy the need God created eve for? Call me whatever you want but women equal sex, lets be real here, that’s how it works. Except you’re a guy who likes other men, no sane man sees a good looking woman with the right endowments and the first thing that comes to your mind is a Bible passage. 

Pardon me while I indulge you in the crappy tales of my childhood, I’m far from being called a dysfunctional kid. Would you say because my neighbor who was way older than me, playfully dragged me to back of our kitchen and slid my innocent fingers up her flowery gown into her hairy pot and made me do certain unmentionables down there while I could hear the sound of my mom struggling to stir the fufu pot for dinner. Lets just say from that day, I didn’t like going to those holiday lessons during the 3rd term break from school, I just wanted to have my fingers in pussy everyday..I mean who wouldn’t?  You would say I was molested right? Nope I wasn’t, I had already seen ''Glamour Girls’’ so I pretty much knew what she was doing after all I did see Zach Orji perform a bathroom scene with the now actress turned evangelist Eucharia Aunobi. I knew things way too early for my tender age, she showed my innocent fingers how to use  them to touch a woman and give her mind blowing orgasms (At some point during our backyard adventures, she always squeezes my head and starts convulsing; which I’ve come to know as orgasm. That shit scared me then!!) I knew if I complimented you about your socks or school bag, the chances of me getting your cream flavored Nasco biscuit was very high ( Nasco biscuits was the shit back then) That was my first lesson about handling women. Shower a woman that has low self esteem with compliments and she will willingly allow you shave her pussy. 

I plunged into the world of sex pretty early, no regrets about that actually. After a couple of premature ejaculations, nervous erections and epic embarrassing moments, I learned the ropes. How did I overcome? Masturbation did come in handy (Men deny this a lot)anyone remember ‘’Hints’’ magazine? "Better Lover” I saved to buy them. My pocket money and Sunday offerings were willingly handed over to the old man at the bus stop who always made sure i received the latest editions, sometimes on credit. I was a loyal customer!!! Another remedy that came in handy was whenever I’m about to blow too early; I picture getting scolded by my primary school teacher for spelling “business” incorrectly as “bussiness”. She goes thus; Femi how many times have I corrected you about this eh? She then bends over; fully exposing her luscious well rounded boobs and twists my ear. The thoughts of that event get me aggressive and the urge to ejaculate disappears and I begin to attack the pussy like I’m about to shift the earth from its axis!!!! 
To be continued…...
Well, allow me welcome you into the world of Mr. Phallus, this is my first entry. 
I’d say a woman’s vagina is the safest haven you can be. Even in harsh economic times; the pussy is always welcoming except the ones at Allen Avenue, you’re broke? Stay home, turn on some porn and grab your Vaseline.

Disclaimer: A couple of half-truths, a shot of fantasy with a drop of fiction. Choose what you believe.

Written by Femi Shine
Image credit: Wikihow

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